Diary of a Misfit

We All Want A Miracle

We all want a miracle.  Healing or helping or something from God.  Because life is hard.  We all suffer.  The world is fallen and that’s a nice word for a messed up place.  We wish…even pray…things were different.  But not many miracles come.  Not like Jesus did them, raising people from the dead; and not like Moses did, getting water from a rock.  But O yes, fellow pilgrim, there are miracles.  Not big, showy surprises, but quiet little Holy Spirit chances to let God in, allow Him to work in our lives in spite of everybody’s bent Free Will.  Like:

Someone hurts you…and insead of huffing away sad or mad, you look into their eyes and see the hurt or shame or devil behind them and ask them “Is something bothering you? Is there anything I can help you with? It’s not like you to be so critical. Makes me wonder what else might be going on with you.”

Or…instead of telling a rebellious child what they are doing wrong, you pray the Spirit to put into your mind the thing you can tell them they are doing right. And how precious it is to you.

Or…me!  today!…instead of crying in my room with self pity, I turn it all over to God and trust His love to “turn it to good” just like He said He does.  Whether I see the results or not.  Just to exercise my faith instead of my disappointment.  Ask for someone to come to mind that I can help instead of whining.  In spite of my burden.

Or maybe because of it?  Hmmm….

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest

The Long Sad

In midlife I realized that “sad” was no longer an adjective in my life, but had become a noun. An immovable piece of furniture, right in the middle of my life. What had, in the vigor of youth, seemed like periodic blues, was now a constant state of too much grief over too small a reason. Why? What are you sad about? they asked. Nothing. And yet….

Then panic attacks became crippling.   Nothing to do but go to the hospital, get tests, counseling, medication. An EEG revealed a glitch in the brain. The type, one nurse told me, they usually see in patients who were adopted or sexually abused as a child.  How about both?

The iron door to the basement rattled, creaked a little, but held. I dabbled in revealing my “secrets,” along with other willing patients. But only a little. Better to limp as quickly as possible back to “normal,” pretend everything was alright now. Soldier on. Smile. As I had been raised to do.

I know I am not alone. Why doesn’t God fix us? Why aren’t we joyful all the time? The “fruit of the Spirit” not for us? What are we doing wrong? For Christians, there are taunts from our secular world all the time. Why praise God for not being hurt worse in a wreck? Why did He let it happen in the first place? Why praise God for His faithfulness when you are crippled by a birth defect or mental illness? The lost world loves to point and sneer: Where is your God now?

Well, He is the same place He was for Job as he suffered and lost everything, and Abraham as he led the clan from everything familiar out into the desert. The same place He was when His only son was nailed to a cross. Read the Gospel of Mark, chapter 15. The crowd insulted Him, jeered: “Where is your God now? Come down from the cross!”

But, of course, they would not have believed, even then. And He would not have come down, because it was what He came for.

And we would not be better, either, if we did not have the cross we have. Suffering, sadness, trials, circumstances are how we are being formed for eternity into a holy family. Our trials shape our souls every day. You’d almost think God wants us to learn diligence and patience ha ha.  Yeah.  Just like He says in His Word.

Now, when I feel the weight, the indignities, of my own crosses, I try to think of Him dragging His down the rough road clear out of town to His own certain agony, humiliation and death.  Put up high on a hill for all to see.

 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ  and be found in Him….I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like Him…. Phillippians 3:7-10

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest

Our Secret Super Power

As a child, I couldn’t decide between invisibility and flying for my super power. Slipping around unseen or flying away at will seemed like the most power there could be.

Little did I know what my secret super power really is.  The super power God gave ALL of us, completely suited to our own personality, our true self:  Free Will. 

 Choose this day Who you will serve…”  Joshua 24:15

 Our FREE WILL–“Chooser,” if you like–is the ultimate secret super power.  Maybe weakened by the kryptonite in our childhoods and environments, our wounded flesh.  But still there.  Inviolable.  A gift from God.  We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can choose how we think about it.  We can!

 I still wish I had a cape of invisibility.  Sometimes dream I can fly.  But now I base my life on REALITY, not wishes and dreams.  I choose to follow God’s will, choose to memorize and soak in scripture so I can think more like Him all the time. “As a man thinks,” scripture tells us, “so is he.”  Proverbs 23:7 

 We act like free will is nothing, when it is everything.  So important to God that He didn’t even save His son from the rejection and torture they heaped on Him.  Jesus could have walked out of the Garden of Gethsemane, saved Himself from his bloody end.  But what He DID was say “Nevertheless not My will but Thine,” and go, willingly, to the cross.  We follow His example when we “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”  II Corinthians 10:5

  Renewing our  minds to this same humility and surrender is the single most powerful way we can offer ourselves to Him, make of our lives a “living sacrifice.”  Plow up our minds with scripture truth to replace the old patterns, hold our very thoughts up to our Creator:

 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  Romans 12:1-2

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest


No. Not THOSE 🙂 Even BETTER. The three that explain the ENTIRE Bible. The WHOLE gospel vocabulary. Ready? —

JUSTICE = God gives us what we deserve. (uh oh)

MERCY = God DOESN’T give us what we deserve. (whew)

GRACE = God gives us what we DON’T deserve. (amen)

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest


You a little “different?” Or maybe you love someone who is?
GOOD! God’s got you.

Was JESUS like all the others? No, He was not.

That “fit in” thing? Usually bad advice. Not in THIS fallen world!

When my dog had a litter of five puppies, they all looked like her. Except one. He was spotted. The runt, not very strong. I fell in love with it at first sight.

That runty little spotted puppy had to wait in line while its stronger brothers and sisters nursed. Had to stay blind a couple days longer than the rest, since his eyes were slower to open. Was last to struggle out of that 6 inch tall nesting box, while the others were already out playing days before.

That one grabbed my heart in a special way.

Do you see? God must love US “spotted puppies” best too, or we wouldn’t be here, would we? We need Him more than most.

The world yells “different” or “weird” but He adores our precious spots. The WORLD praises the strong and smart and rich and famous.

GOD turns all that upside down.

So, if you need a little more than other people, hurt a little more, can’t quite keep up sometimes? Not pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, famous enough? Just one word: GOOD. You have a special place in God’s heart, I promise you.

Does it FEEL like it? Probably not, most the time. But feelings are bats in a cave. Up, down, all around. But God? Real. Solid. Always the same. Those “everlasting arms” are wrapped around you, spots and all. Because He loves you with PERFECT and everlasting love.

He made you and all you have to do to be “enough” is be His child.

I loved watching that little spotted puppy whine and yelp to keep up with the others, do what they were doing. Falling back in defeat most the time. Slow to grow, needy and weak.

Guess what? He became “Pick of the Litter”! The one everyone wanted! And made the most beloved pet of all.

So, if you are a little different, be careful not to believe what you hear out there, or see in the mirror. Listen to the One who made you like you are! Trust His reasons. Be His “Pick of the Litter.” He knows what “they” don’t know. Holy! Beloved! Special! Pick of the Litter!

Be spotted, baby! Be who you are! Who you were made to be. And He will love you for it.


God’s GOT you! Psalm 68:19
He is looking out for you! II Thessalonians 3:3
He made you and loves you forever! Jeremiah 31:3

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest

Hate is Easy…Love is Not

“It’s good to know who hates you and it’s good to be hated by the right people.”                                                                                        –Johnny Cash

I had never been HATED before. Abandoned, rejected, abused, neglected? Yup, yup, sure. Very wounding. But HATED? It’s a new one. Hard to process.

The FLESH reflex is, of course, to hate them BACK.

God’s way, though? For those of us who really want to know? More complicated. We know we aren’t perfect, wonder if it was something we did wrong. Flesh prefers to dwell on what THEY did wrong. Spirit wonders WHY they did it.

Maybe THEY were hated as a child. Seems normal to them.

Maybe they want something we have. First cousin to jealousy maybe?

Mental illness? Delusional, irrational, over-medicated?


But we DO want to know what we should DO about it. How we should respond. Jesus was pretty plain: FORGIVE.

Yeah. Easier said than done, Lord. CHOOSING it. Processing it. Crying about it. Does that count?

Some of us complicate it by fighting back. Venting. Passing it on, even. Have a lifelong tendency to open that can of WhoopAss over every slight. Maybe we had to do it where we grew up, maybe that was our model. But we struggle with the tendency now that we’re Christians. Have to add a little SHAME to the final goal when we ARE able to forgive.

Some of us are not fighters. My own wounded flesh from childhood preps me for “Flight” not “Fight.” That makes me more susceptible to the devil’s whisperings and my own negative thinking. SELF condemnation. Those FALLEN spirits looove to tell us what WE did wrong. “Easy pickins,” someone told me once. Sadly, yes. Adding DEPRESSION to the final goal when we ARE able to forgive.

Either way, an outright HATE ATTACK is hard to process. “WWJD” becomes the dilemma, the heart’s inner plea.

What WOULD Jesus do?


Ouch. I’m 69 tries behind on that one.

But I’m working on it.

The things from His Word that have helped so far:

But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28).

  1. LOVE them. Whaaat?!?!!? Yes. “Love” in scripture isn’t the warm fuzzy FEELING we tend to think it is. It is simply wanting God’s best for someone. Pray for them. That they have a heart attack and go away? Probably not what God meant, O darn. Pray for their SOUL. If they HATE that much they are NOT “saved.” HATE is the devil’s language, not the children of God. Our mission here in this fallen world is to bring others to heaven not hell.

  2. BLESS them as able (thoughts, words, or deeds). Speak kindly BACK to them, maybe even go FIRST. Scripture even says when we do that we “heap burning coals on their head.” CONVICTS them of their behavior. Gives them an EXAMPLE of how a true believer DOES behave. WARNING: A Biblical “but…” In Matthew chapter 16 He warns his apostles to be “wise as serpents, innocent as doves.” If the hater is DANGEROUS, He doesn’t seem to expect us to sit still for more abuse, does He? Even warned them to “flee to the next city” if they were persecuted in that same chapter. So BE SAFE and PRAY FROM AFAR!

  3. Hating YOURSELF for whatever mistakes you made is not God’s way EITHER. If you sinned, you ask Him to forgive you with the intention in your heart to not repeat it. Bottom line, God LOVES you. There is now NO condemnation. Works on YOU just as well as it works on THEM. And has an ETERNAL reward instead of a fleeting gratification.

Hope this helps some of YOU going through something hard. Hope some of you share what has helped process a similar trial. We ARE all in this together. Even when it FEELS so very alone.

The Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the heart knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the Lord will reward you. Proverbs 25:22

…therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and [o]foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest



There is someone who hates you and wants to steal your soul.

What? Too much?

You might as well know.

Whether you are so sure you have it all that you’ve quit looking. Or lost without hope in suffering.

Someone hates you, envies you, wants to cheat God out of your eternal soul. You hear the whispers? The lies? Embedded so deep you think they are part of you:

–Some HAPPY LIES that loving parents pass on–Have nice things! Be good-looking! Ain’t this money/house/fame wunnerful? Demand respect! It all about YOU!

–Some SAD LIES toxic parents pass on, yelling how you are bad or worthless or a liar or…things you NEVER wanted to be, hope you AREN’T…but your brain stores anyway.

But wait. There is someone who LOVES you and wants you to live with them forever.

Someone who knows all your dirty little secrets, knows what your heart really needs. Instead of the empty promises of money, food, sex, drugs, whatever you cling to.

–I love you! You are my child forever! Look up, say what I say: Holy! Beloved! Chosen in Love! Good! NOT bad! You are safe, you are loved, you are not alone. The tears were a gift, the Bad Thing not for nothing. I will turn it ALL to good!

You don’t have to change, try harder, clean up, or anything you don’t think you can do to measure up, deserve it, win that love.

But you DO have to CHOOSE.

Go to the light.
Or stay in the dark.

Maybe you prefer the darkness…so familiar. But can you deny the hunger, the longing, that teasing hope that there is more to life? The nagging fear you are going to live forever with regret that you missed it?

The one who hates you lies to keep you in the dark. Without wings. Wounded or puffed up. Crippled in your soul.

The one who loves you tells you the Truth…but only if you choose to hear it.

If there was an easier way we would have found it by now, huh? We’ve tried everything we could get our hands on to be happy, haven’t we?

Life made you crazy. Bad Things happened. Kept you frozen ever since. Evil tells you stories you believe, maybe even pass on. Shames you for looking up, whispers to stay in the dark. .

WHAT can overcome all THAT?!

The perfect Misfit, the One who knew you all along. Jesus. Murdered for preaching love and forgiveness!! The world sure wasn’t having any of Him either. We are in good company. Better to believe who He says we are than the labels the liars in the world tape to our backs.

We are NOT what happened to us. NOT the words the devil whispers, or fallen people call out loud. No. Not mistakes. Not ruined forever. GOD loves us! Knows our name! Wants us for HIS family!

And, wherever you are, however you are…you are not alone. God LOVES you. His people here and above love you. Hold hands with THEM instead of the demons who beset you.

There’s a reason you never trusted God before. You thought He was like everybody else. Waiting to tell you what you did wrong. Or worse.


There’s a reason you never looked into the basement of your own soul. Afraid to turn the corner for the smell that wafted up the dark steps down. You didn’t want to face what you knew you couldn’t fix. You knew there was no one to love you, keep you safe, hold your hand, while facing the carnage there. There never was!

Until now.

That is the simple beauty and power of the gospel: we find out who we REALLY are by discovering who the creator of the universe says we are. Him we might believe. His love never shames us.

No, we didn’t deserve the Bad Thing that happened to us.
Neither do we deserve the grace that transforms it all.

The suffering. The grace. The glory.
That is the holy journey.

Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

How great is the love God has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it does not know Him (1 John 3:1).

We can never be separated from God’s love (Romans 8:39)

We become God’s children (Galatians 3:26)

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest

SO, How’s That First Week of LENT Goin’ For Ya?

Give up chocolate? Booze? Facebook, sugar, Pokémon or TV?

Maybe you gave up something too deep to tell anybody but God.

Does your sacrifice remind you of His? Or your own self-pity?

The IDEA, in the Spirit, was to join Him in His suffering so we can feel closer to Him in His victory when He rises again. Spend 40 days in the “desert’ of temptation like Jesus did before He began His mission.

A holy and beautiful thing.


BAM!… Reality. Flesh. Failure.

Nothing like failing to keep a genuine, heartfelt Lenten commitment to demonstrate, yet again, what hopeless, fleshy losers we are, huh? Why we so desperately need saving. Why we love Someone who says He will not only SAVE us, but FORGIVE us when we fail.

What I’ve learned from my Lenten journey so far is that I never would have made it this far without the Lord’s grace and mercy. And that I won’t make it another step without it now.

AND I see how HIS 40 days in the desert, tempted by the devil himself, was necessary. Praise GOD He went first, huh?!

The devil hasn’t changed. He tempted Jesus and lost. But he’s still after us. When we fail, we smell his presence. Especially those of us misfits with very wounded souls. He knows our weak spots and he targets them all the time.

Seems like the holier our GOALS, the harder he tries to shoot us down. The guy lounging by the pool or watching TV all day isn’t much risk, is he? Why bother? But anyone looking to give glory to God, build up His Kingdom? BAM!

I think of the monks of old, wearing scratchy hair shirts as a sign of repentance. Thomas Becket was wearing one when he was martyred, Charlemagne was buried in one.

But today we just don’t deny ourselves many creature comforts. Spend most of our time, in fact, seeking new ones. A new exotic food, or stylish clothes, rare wine. It simply doesn’t occur to us to WANT to suffer. Mainly just to avoid it at all costs.

Then comes Lent. And we want to try. Some of us strong and pure enough to do it and succeed “as unto Him.” Some of us shot down by our broken, wounded flesh. Again.

He knows our struggle. Carries us anyway. Loves us anyway. Not because we are so loveable, but because He IS love. (1 John 4:8).

Thank You, Lord. Thank You for carrying us when we fail. For loving us when we grinch and groan. For forgiving us when we stubbornly refuse to do Your plain and obvious will instead of our little plans. Thank you. You knew how we would be and loved us anyway. Whew.
Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest

‘Til The Storm Passes By

A storm rages outside and a small bird huddles on our windowsill, head bowed into the wind.

Like us, when things get tough. We huddle with loved ones, wait and pray.

Cry out to God, yet still suffer.

Ask, but no answer comes.

We love God, believe Him, study His Word, but still don’t know what to do. Everyone around has a different opinion. Sometimes we lose hope, almost give up.

Yet our faith tells us He is there. So we bow our heads and pray into the storm.

God didn’t even let MOSES know EVERYTHING. Moses wanted to SEE God but God told Him he’d DIE if he did. So He hid Moses in a cleft in a rock and let him “see” His glory pass by. (Exodus 33:17-23) Maybe it’s not safe to know everything. Maybe not a way to build our soul.

Through our faith, God keeps us safe too, while we wait.
Like that frail bird, we have no other options while it storms.

One day we notice the winds are not as strong. The fear not as overpowering. The rain less. We are weak, frail, still confused.
The tiny bird on the windowsill ruffles his feathers, stretches one wing, then the other.

Does HE have all the answers? NO. Only that he can go out again. Work again. Maybe even SING again.

So we do too. Step. Step. Step.

Answers? No. FAITH.

Our mission here, like Moses’, is not over yet. We learn to trust, love, wait. Spread our wings a bit when we can.

What if we DIE?!? Our frightened hearts anguish.

And His Spirit finally answers:
…What if you FLY?!

*** *** *** *** *****

From an old hymn:




Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest




Love really IS the most powerful force in the universe.

But many of us are still lookin’ for the SECOND most powerful force. Because it doesn’t always go like we hope.

Here’s what we just don’t GET about LOVE: We think it’s like the movies and songs. Part hormones, part looks. If we’re lucky, even a happy partnership. O, it is WAYYY more than THAT.

The LACK of it when we were small crimped some of our souls. Others of us are trying to love someone like that without understanding them.

Maybe “LOVE” was the first mistake you ever made? You listened to the Hollywood “chemistry” lies in movies or your young body’s new hormones?

Maybe it was what your mother or father never gave you, leaving a hole in your heart?

Worse, maybe you had a pure love for someone who passed away?

LOVE HURTS. Pain is the flaw in love.

But LOVE HEALS too. It is the only CURE for what ails us, the main thing we crave.

Some of us found substitutes for love and let them ruin our lives. Drugs, crime, sex are so easy, so available.

Or we believed the wrong person’s lies and were wounded.

Or we wounded someone else we meant to love.

Complicated. Makes us wonder about what we are even doing here.

I asked the Lord once: “Why did You make me?”

“To love and be loved,” He whispered into my soul.

Yes. That is what we all want. Even God. Maybe that is how we are made “in His image.”

But it’s so hard to get Love to come out even. I love some people more than they love me. And know some who love me more than I love them. Some we love die before their time and leave a hole in our heart. And we crave the love of some who do not seem to have it to give. It’s confusing; disheartening.

Unless God really IS Love, just like scripture says:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; ….
The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
I John 4

THEN it would makes sense that GIVING love would be the same eternal Joy that GETTING love would be!

So, I do hope you get lacey valentines with candy or prose. I want some myself. But what we REALLY need is the BIG one. The one that CAN”T be lost and WON”T reject and NOT dependent on hormones or whims.

The Valentine from GOD.

So here’s the SAFE Valentine! The BEAUTIFUL one! The FOREVER one! And it is for YOU!

Maybe you can share it with someone YOU love in our imperfect way. There IS a special “warm and fuzzy” that comes from GIVING what we never GOT 🙂


My Child,

If I was your mother or your father in this world,
I would have loved you more than anything.
My touch safe and tender,
you would never have wondered if it was right or wrong.
You would never have learned shame.

I would not have spoken to you through a haze of alcohol or drugs.
And I would never have left you alone.

I would have used my words and arms and food and smiles and gifts to tell you how special you are.
I would have brushed your hair so gently, whispering my love.
When you cried, I would have held you.
I would have believed you and not them, preferred your company to theirs.

But some did not choose the holy way.
How old were you when they hurt you?
That is how old you are in your wounded soul.
So I speak to your soul like a child.
Because I love you more than the stars and moon and flowers.

You are safe with me; let me hold you. Sh shh shhh.
I made you. It is no accident you are here.
You are here because I love you and want you to love me back.
So simple. But so hard.
Because they hurt you when you tried.

But you are a hero now!
Look how the journey has made you strong and clever!
Maybe you need to forgive Me now, precious baby.
Because I could not save you from them without stealing their souls, turning all of you into hollow puppets.
Everyone has their choice, even the bad ones.

Your journey is only now beginning. Forever is a long time, my child.
Your real life is before you.
I am breathing forever into your soul
and no one can ever take it away or hurt it.
Because you are MY child now.

So lie back in my arms. Say this:
Thy Kingdome come. Thy Will be done.
I am holding you.
I am brushing your hair.

Share : Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedinShare on GooglePlusShare on Pinterest
Visit us on FacebookVisit us on TwitterCheck our RSS FeedVisit us on YouTubeVisit us on LinkedinVisit us on GooglePlusVisit us on Pinterest